I Pledge Allegiance… A Work In Progress


A short history of the intelligent design of our moral oath to our nation

(under God, with liberty and justice for all)

1891

I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

1892

I pledge allegiance to my Flag and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

1923

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

1954

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

2008

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America® and to the Free* Global** Market for which it stands, one nation¹, In God We Trust‡, with Liberty² and Justice³ for all§.

* not “free” to all participants

** in appropriate accordance with each nation’s international status as either a producer or consumer, as dictated by the U.S. Federal Treasury, never to be FDIC insured or protected.

¹ Including personal off-shore, or foreign bank accounts, and privately owned, state-subsidized river boat casinos, but not meant to include tribal land ventures.

² Not including racial or ethnic minorities (even if those minorities one day become a majority), or women!

³ Not meant to include enemy combatants (foreign, national or resident), nor any citizen or naturalized citizen if relocated further than 20 miles beyond American borders, including aboard any and all river boat casinos, docked or otherwise.

† Jesus Christ, with allowances for priority residents of AZ, CA, FL, & NY

‡ All others subject to standard rates and fees, as imposed by the U.S. Treasury Secretary (and/or The Secret Three).

§ But some more than others.

The Tragedy of MacCain


Long ago, on a bluff overlooking the Potomac. John MacCain returned home from battle. On his way, he came across three strange witches. Before his arrival, they plotted and planned a most dismal fate for MacCain.

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

First Witch

When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the ballot’s lost and won.

Third Witch

That will be ere the set of sun.

First Witch

Where the place?

Second Witch

Upon the plain.

Third Witch

There to meet with MacCain

ALL

Fair is balanced, and balanced is fair:
Spin and spin through filthy air.

First Witch

A sailor’s wife had patience long,
And waited, and waited, and waited:–
Her husband’s to Tonkin gone, master o’ the Flying Tiger:
But in a cage he thither wail,
Just like a rat without a tail,
He’ll do, He’ll do, and He’ll do.

Second Witch

I’ll give thee a wind.

First Witch

With which to spin and spin.

Third Witch

And I another.

First Witch

We will drain him dry as hay:
Sleep shall neither night nor day
Hang upon his ten-house lid;
He shall live a man forbid:
Weary countless years
Shall he dwindle, peak and pine:
Though his bark cannot be lost,
Yet it shall be tempest-tossed.
Look what I have.

Second Witch

Show me, show me.

First Witch

Here I have a pilot’s thumb,
Wreck’d as homeward he did come.

Airplane overhead

Third Witch

A plane, a plane!
Come, here, limpeth John MacCain.

ALL

The weird sisters, hand in hand,
Pollsters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about:
Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
And thrice again, for 2009.
Peace! the charm’s wound up.

Enter MACCAIN

MACCAIN

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

Speak, if you can: what are you?

First Witch

All hail, MacCain! hail to thee, thane of Hanoi!

Second Witch

All hail, MacCain, hail to thee, thane of Arizona!

Third Witch

All hail, MacCain, thou shalt be king hereafter!

MACCAIN

Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more:
By Uncle Ho’s death I know I am thane of Hanoi;
But how of Arizona? Goldwater of Arizona lives,
A prosperous gentleman; and to be king
Stands not within the prospect of belief,
No more than to be Arizona. Say from whence
You owe this strange intelligence? or why
Upon this blasted heath you stop my way
With such prophetic greeting? Speak, I charge you.

First Witch

Lesser than your fathers, and greater.

Second Witch

Not so happy, yet much happier.

MACCAIN

Greater than my father? And Grandpa too?

Tell me more! What say you?

Witches vanish

MACCAIN

Into thin air; they couldn’t stay?
I sure like what they had to say!

And so, MacCain left that day with this new idea in his mind. He plotted and planned. He connived and contrived. With his wife, the ever-shrewd Lady MacCain they climbed and climbed the ivory tower, building alliances and allegiances that would bring MacCain to his destined place.

Years later, MacCain, indeed the thane of Arizona, desperately sought the throne also promised him. He sought the strange witches for a special spell, a binding pact that would assure him his prize. The strange sisters knew his intentions and were already mixing the special potion.

A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron.

Thunder.

First Witch

Twice the Maverick hath been denied.

Second Witch

Twice the hedge-pig tried and tried.

Third Witch

The elephant cries ‘Tis time, ’tis time.

First Witch

Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Rove, that under cold stone sat,
Seeks the head to hold the hat.
Boil him first in the charmed pot.

Add a drop of Nazi snot.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch

Tax returns of gambling stake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of Christian and toe of Jew,
Drums of war – throw in a slew,
Soldier’s tongue and Hannity’s sting,
Keating’s leg and Palin’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Third Witch

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,

Chained to war in the gulf.
Make five friends of friends of Bush

They shall give the needed push.
Throw in lies and promises all,
Climb MacCain, but do not fall,
Rant and rave and call and bay,

Down upon your knees and pray.

Virginian coal and Ohio church,
Lest you leave them in the lurch.

Time to unleash your Alaskan babe
She makes the masses rant and rave.
Make the gruel thick and fat

For the ingredients of our vat.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch

Cool it with Chicago blood,
Then the spell is firm and good.

Second Witch

By the picking of his chums,
Something wicked this way comes.

Enter MACCAIN

MACCAIN

How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!

Standing there in filthy rags!

I may be thin on top and you call me runt,

But I don’t paint on makeup like a trollop, you cu…
ALL

Behold! A deed without a name.

MACCAIN

You promised me better than that of my fathers,
Yet here I stand, no higher than Goldwater.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name,

It felt good to get out of the rain.

I’ve snuggled with Keating off in the Bahamas.

His money can’t help me gut punch Obama.
The White Castle is in sight, I see.
Help deliver it unto me.

I’ve embraced everything I once despised.

I’ve sold my soul, I’ve compromised.

Even till destruction sicken; answer me
To what I ask you.

First Witch

Speak.

Second Witch

Demand.

Third Witch

We’ll answer.

First Witch

Say, if thou’dst rather hear it from our mouths,
Or from our masters?

MACCAIN

Call ’em; let me see ’em. Grrrrrrr!

ALL

Come, high or low;
Thyself and office deftly show!

Thunder. First Apparition: a bald Head

MACCAIN

Tell me, thou unknown power,–

Oh, ‘tis you, Karl!

First Witch

He knows your thoughts:
Hear his words, but say thou nought.

First Apparition

MacCain! MacCain! MacCain! beware Obama;
Beware the thane of Illinois. Dismiss me. Go to Omaha!

Descends

MACCAIN

Heh! Heh! That’s super! I’ll get you, Barack!

I’ll get you for showing me up on Iraq.

First Witch

He will not be commanded: here’s another,
More potent than the first.

Second Witch

Funny you should mention that long bloody war,

Here’s a ghost of a child, one of so many more.

Thunder. Second Apparition: A bloody Child

Second Apparition

MacCain! MacCain! MacCain!

MACCAIN

Had I three rum sours, I’d hear thee.

Second Apparition

Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn.

That’s it.

Just be violent and malicious and vindictive.

Good luck!

Descends

MACCAIN

Whew! That’s easy. This could be fun.

Unleash my rage and this race is all done.

I’ll take off the gloves, and sling some mud,

I’ll rile my base, I’ll call for his blood.

I will hurl at my foe the very skeletons I hide

Accuse him of my sins, and let the people decide.

And if that doesn’t bring the sheep to my call,

My pitbull Palin will persuade them all.

Obama’s too kind and trusting and fair.

We have vitriol and toxic hot air.

Thunder. Third Apparition: a Child crowned, with a tree in his hand. He is surrounded by merry crowds dancing, singing and laughing all around.

What is this
Some infant hippie like the issue of a king?
Who are all those people with flutes

And what do they sing?

ALL

Listen MacCain, but speak not to it.

‘Tis hard for you, but you can do it

Third Apparition

Be lion-mettled, proud; but take no care
No need to worry with war in the air.

MacCain will not be vanquished until

Peace has come to the City on the Hill.

Descends

MACCAIN

That will never be
Who can ever be so stupid as to hope for

Peace.

Oh Boy! Oh Goody! I have nothing to fret,

Haven’t felt this good since my last Vegas bet!

War firm in hand and spreading my rage,

Peace will never come to us in this age.

Soon I’ll be crowned, soon I’ll have won.

Then maybe my father will be proud of his son.

But I must have two terms, to vanquish my past.

Tell me, how long can my kingly reign last?

ALL

Seek to know no more.

MACCAIN

I will be satisfied: deny me this,
And an eternal curse fall on you!

Tell me!

First Witch

Show!

Second Witch

Show!

Third Witch

Show!

ALL

Show his eyes, and grieve his heart;
Come like shadows, so depart!

A show of Eight Kings, the last with a mirror in his hand; Obama following.

MACCAIN

Thou art too like the spirit of Obama: down!
There I see a long line of kings

And yet I can not believe these things!

They do not look like kings of the past.

They look so common, from every caste!

I see a poor farm boy holding his girl.

For these does the true flag unfurl?

These can’t be kings, they do not fit

There is no throne for those people to sit.

What happened to white? What happened to rich?

What happened to my reign? Tell me, you witch!

There I see a skinny young man, and

A tall and strong woman holding his hand.

How can this happen? How can this be?
Why oh why do you show this to me?

I felt so high, now I feel so low.

Apparitions vanish

What, is this so?

First Witch

Ay, sir, all this is so: but why
Stands MacCain thus amazedly?
Come, sisters, cheer we up his sprites,
And show the best of our delights:
I’ll charm the air to give a sound,
While you perform your antic round:
That this great king may kindly say,
Our duties did his welcome pay.

Music. The witches dance.

MACCAIN

Ah… that’s better. Bring a Bourbon with ice.

This feels like Vegas. Let’s roll some dice!


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