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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category


Obama and the Walmericans

On a recent outing to feel the pulse of America, President Obama mingles with the masses. He might have been better received if he’d forgone the casual button down shirt for a dirty wifebeater. A moment after this photo was taken the man pictured called a friend to share his experience. Unfortunately, the man was still talking to the president at the time. Awkward as it was the conversation was recorded, thankfully.

“Hey man, it’s Dale. Yeah, man. No shit? Hang on a sec, Mr. President. I got my buddy Terry on the other line. He’s watching us on CNN. Yeah man, sorry, go ahead. No shit!  That’s hilarious. Record it, dude. Yeah, he’s right here. Yeah man, he totally saw it. He was all like asking about some Japanese dude named Hokusai or some shit. No, man, I told him for reals. I was all like ‘Dude, my buddy Terry did this ink at his shop right here in Jersey. He was all like ‘Whatever’, but then he was cool. Said he liked it. Dude, don’t swell up on that shit, he obviously don’t know jack about tats. Yeah, that’s crazy shit, man. Yeah, that’s Diane. Dude, we hooked up last night. Dude, Obama keeps staring at her dog chain. It’s hilarious. Is she really?! Oh my God your right she is! That’s hilarious. Hey, that reminds me, dude.  Can I get my nipples done next week? Dude, I totally should have done it when I was in there yesterday. Yeah, I know you told me to. Yeah, I know, they’d be all over national television right now. Dude, shut up about it! Damn! Listen dude, I gotta go. No, man, you pick that shit up yourself. I got the president right here, dude. Dude! I gotsta GO! Later. [Hangs up] Shit! Yo, sorry about that Mr. President. What were you saying?”

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E.U. Darling - Colonel Mu'hammar Al Quedahffi (or whatever his name is)

I can remember when Moammar Gadaffi was Mu’hamar Al Quadaffi.  A much more threatening spelling to 1980 American sensibilities. A name worthy of a makeover.  Just as in the aftermath of the Sept. 11 attacks, we finally paid enough attention to Al Queda  to figure out a standard spelling for its leader Osama Bin Laden.  Remember Usama Bin Ladden and all the other derivatives?   Gadaffi got a nice titular tweak along with a wardrobe change, all to match his rapid foreign policy shift.  He’d realized that if he simply stopped bombing airliners, assassinating enemies on foreign soil, and cooking up chemical bombs and dirty nukes western leaders would not only forgive him, but literally welcome him to their dinner tables.  So, he chucked off the Colonel’s garb for a dashiki and a meatloaf of a hat, an outfit that screams jovial oil merchant rather than backwater butcher.  By the way, if you are a dictator of nation with a powerful military at your command, why would you only rise to rank of colonel?  General, at least!  Superior Majestic Overlord even?  Colonel? Come on! You can do better than that.  How about a name befitting his former, if never publicly acknowledged, glory: Superfly?  After all, it’s high time his secret was out. Moammar Gadaffi, Mu’hamar Al Quadaffi, The Colonel, The Nutcase, whatever you want to call him is in fact Jimmy Superfly Snuka.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back into North Africa.  Here’s the proof:

A younger, leaner Gadaffi dominated the wrestling world under the name Superfly Snuka

An older but equally intimidating Gadaffi

A far cry from his glory days for sure.

And just in case you thought the old Colonel wasn't still deadly.

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Sarah Palin is back in the news.  Not just Fox News either, we’re talking real news here.  She’s up in arms over Rahm Emanuel’s recent use of the word ‘retarded’.   Palin asked on her Facebook page, “Are you capable of decency, Rahm Emanuel?”  Rumor has it she is still sitting around waiting for his reply.  Speculation continues to circle as to why Palin is so upset.  Many suggest it is because she has a toddler with Down’s syndrome and she may find Emanuel’s comment offensive as ‘retarded’ is often used to stigmatize those with mental limitations.  Others wonder if she is not truly upset about the original meaning and usage of the word as cited here from http://www.dictionary.com:

re⋅tard

[ri-tahrd, for 1–3]

–verb (used with object)

1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

–verb (used without object)

2. to be delayed.

–noun

3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.

Perhaps she would find any of these personally offensive, especially definition numbers 1&3, as used in the following sentence examples:

1.  Sarah Palin retarded John McCain’s campaign machine with her ineptitude and general smarminess.

2.  Sarah Palin felt her meteoric ascendance to national infamy had irrevocably retarded her ability to govern the state of Alaska, so she quit.

3.  Fox News retards the progress of journalism each and every day, and now Sarah Palin has joined forces to help retard it even further.

4.  Fox News retards the thinking processes of countless Americans each and every day, and now Sarah Palin has joined forces to help retard them even further.

There is a growing campaign to do away with the derogatory use of the “R-word” – truly a worthwhile movement, long overdue.   Visit http://www.r-word.org and sign a pledge to not misuse the word.  However, it is a perfectly good word to use in the correct context, as in the examples above.  So put an end to the misuse of this word and bring back its proper usage.

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I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is this “GLOBAL ECONOMICS CRISIS” is very easy to fix. The bad news is it will require us to use some French words. Watch the video below from our friend at http://www.socioecohistory.wordpress.com

Simple as that. Still not clear on how this works? How about some visuals that Americans find easy to comprehend? – people killing one another.

There you have it. Simple as that. Put on your berets and the most outrrrrrageous French accent you can muster and and say it with me – Force Majeure. No? Not going for it? Okay, let’s just be ridiculously obtuse and criticize the French undeservedly as we simply retitle this great idea. Let’s call it it Freedom Force.

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photo-michael-savageMichael Savage sells snakeoil under his real name, Michael Weiner.  Later, as Savage, he woud really sling the serpent’s venom.  

Michael Savage’s latest attempt at poetry conveys a deep-seeded schizophrenic mind that should be pitied rather than feared… or, better yet, simply ignored. 

Recently the third largest mouth on radio today treated his audience to an extended live mixing of his latest poem The Weathervane.  First he read it solo.  Then he read it to a cheesy hip-hop beat.  Then he read it to The Battle Hymn of the Republic.  He shouted to his sound tech to put it to “that song from Patton” sure that was the only song worthy of his eloquent yet powerful verse. 

 Savage’s poem is reminiscent of the “I Am” poems so popular in elementary schools across the country, designed to introduce youngsters to poetry.  From there it is a little more than a scrap book of famous historical figures Michael knows of (mostly from television shows and Department of Defense news reels, and of course the movie Patton) and admires – people he purports to be like.  If you can hum the Battle Hymn of the Republic as you read this, then here it is below, in all its glory and its truth is marching on. 

 

 

I am Moses.

I am Isaac.

I am Abraham.

I am Charlemagne.

I am John Wayne.

I am Coltrane.

 They try to suppress me, try to redress me,

Call me incorrect, deserving no respect.

I am Patton.

I am Hatton,

Even Mountbatten. 

I am Eisenhower,

Not a Wallflower.

I am Washington.

I am Pershing. 
I am MacArthur.

I am Kipling. 

I am Audie Murphy.

And I am Sky King.

I’ll steal your crown,

Trample you down,

Take your good name

And put it to shame.

 I am Gene Autry.

I am Roy Rogers.

I am Tom Mix.

They tried to push me over

The River Styx,

But it won’t mix

With my true blood,

Which runs thick for America.

 I am the bane

Of those vain. 

I am the Weathervane.

 

It is a list of strange paradoxes for the prodigious author.  A series of idealized war heroes from a man who dodged the draft during Vietnam.  When did his true blood run thick for America?  He is suppressed by whom?  The person whose crown he later vows to steal?  Kipling?  How did he make this list?  Unless Savage has identified with the “white raja” from The Man Who Would Be King.   

 Gene Autry and Roy Rogers?  pop-TV icons?  From a man who claims be (and once vainly attempted to be accepted by academia as) a robust, well-read intellectual?  For those not well-versed in obscurity Tom Mix was the first cowboy megastar up on the old silverscreen.  Sky King is an old radio/television adventure series from the 40s and 50s.  Nothing wrong with that per se but in such an historic line up he might as well have put Lassie next to Lincoln.  As for “Hatton” I can only guess that he means Ricky Hatton who was just KO’d recently by Philippine sensation Manny Pacquiao.  Perhaps this is meant as a reference to his predilection to fight minorities even if it means a brutal defeat.  Hey, maybe that’s why he threw in Kipling!  One more interesting tidbit here: “true blood” incidentally is a nod to his fictional hero and alter ego, Samuel Trueblood.  At Salon.com  David Gilson perfectly describes the piece.

“Vital Signs,” Michael Weiner’s first and only book of fiction, published in 1983. A collection of confessional, stream-of-consciousness stories, it follows the exploits of Samuel Trueblood, who just happens to be a 40-ish New York Jew, an herbalist and writer with a tumultuous personal life, a substantial assortment of inner demons and a bit of a Napoleon complex. “I am physically not tall, but my eyes burn with fire,” he states. “Two black fires of Hell.” Trueblood narrates a series of misadventures, from procuring an illegal backroom abortion for his fiancée to beating the stuffing out of an abusive cop.

Trueblood describes his life as one long search for inner peace. He blames much of his discontent on his “childhood beneath tyranny,” during which he was cowed by his bullying father. Trueblood describes how his father mocked him with “brutal jokes and chides, ‘gentle’ kidding: ‘You’re not a fag, are you Sam?’ the little man would say each time the boy dared wear a colorful shirt or flashy trousers.” Unable to shake his dead father’s disapproving influence, the adult Samuel is tortured by feelings of weakness and inadequacy. “I am filled with fears,” he admits, “nearly all the time feeling I am about to become totally insane.”

Now I am wondering why Savage didn’t insert a more honest “I am Samuel” into his sophomoric poem. 

 

It is unclear who “they” are who tried to push the Weathervane over the River Styx.  Maybe Phlegyas or Charon the boatman.  Perhaps it was simply because Charon did not want Savage in his boat they tried to throw him over.  Perhaps he meant the river personified by the ancient nymph named Styx.  Her name literally meant hateful in which case I believe “they” succeeded not in throwing Savage over the river but rather squarely atop the hateful nymph.  For after a little research it became obvious that Michael Savage did undergo an otherworldly transformation in his life.  Perhaps he did meet Charon the boatman, perhaps he did cross to the other side.  If so, there is no doubt he came back altered.  “Redressed” perhaps?

 How else could a man go from writing books under his real name, Michael Weiner with titles like Plant a Tree; Earth Medicine, Earth Food and Healing Children Naturally to a guy named Michael Savage writing books with titles like The Death of the White Male; The Enemy Within and Liberalism Is a Mental Disorder?  Well, clearly it would be more easily understood if he in fact had the mental disorder, which his poem above indicates he does.  Especially when compared to the “heroes” he likened himself to as Michael Weiner. 

 

His own history reads like The Seven Faces of Eve.  His life twists from one paradox to the next.  A frustrated poet turned acerbic critic.  A frustrated artist turned professional hater.  An accomplished anthropologist turned isolated misanthrope.  A holistic healer turned toxic shock jock.  As Michael Weiner, his “I Am” poem might look something more like this. 

 The Heather Vein. 

I am Ratu Sir Lala Sukuna

I am Margaret Mead

I am P.T. Barnum

I am Kerouac

I am Ginsberg

 They try to caress me,

They try to undress me.

I am not shy,

Just another guy. 

 I am John Garard.

I am the Galloping Gourmet,

Leaving preservatives out of the way. 

 I wear no shrowd.

I am proud,

I am

And my son 

Will be named after me

The Goldencloud.

I  am a Rockstar

At least it seems nice.

But the academics

Don’t think I suffice.

 I been burned up.

I been churned up.

I been yearning up.

For love and acceptance.

I want to be great.

I am not.

I am…

 I am not sure.

Maybe I will reinvent myself.

Or better yet, simply

Let loose the Other One.

 

Although this version doesn’t paint Michael Weiner-Savage as the most balanced either, combine the two and you might have a more accurate view of what is going on in this mixed up man’s mind.  For other evidence you can imply listen to his daily public therapy sessions which really seem to only compound his insanity or you could peruse the many books of Weiner-Savage.  

“I learned to calm the inner debate that had threatened to drown me in madness!”

 That was from his book Maximum Immunity – his book that truly presents his descent into madness.  It is here, in another supported herbal health book, where he really begins to spout his rage and fears. 

Here is Michael Weiner’s true blood in all its American Beauty:  “Inner voice screaming at me for years, first rational, then crazy, telling me to do mad things. Every form of relief tried, painting, psychotherapy, running, diet, vitamins, etc., etc. Almost uncontrollable now. Impulses to stab children, strangers, wife, self with scissors.”

 Gee, on second thought, he really might be Patton after all.  I mean most historians agree Patton was a sociopath.  Thankfully Savage doesn’t have a real army or a real objective, other than to hear his own voice and hear his listeners call in and fawn over “Doctor Savage”.  He has only a loyal horde of like-minded paranoids who feel less alone when they hear their poser of a hero erupt daily into his caterwauling tantrums.  Read this and they will know what a sham this guy really is: http://dir.salon.com/story/news/feature/2003/03/05/savage/index.html  After all, what is in a title?  What is in a name for that matter?  He may be called Doctor but he’ll always be just a loud-mouth putz (to use one of his favorite words).  He may be called Savage, and though it is an accurate adjective to describe the man, he will always be a Weiner.

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Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. – From George Orwell’s Animal Farm

big-pig1

A Parade of Pigs: Multimillionaires all. Making fortunes squandering hundreds of thousands of American’s pensions and savings. Below are some human faeces to go with their porcine characteristics.

Richard "Big Dick" Fuld - Lehaman Bros (raked in $480 million)

Richard "Big Dick" Fuld - Lehman Bros. (Raked in $480 million)

James "Papa Bear" Cayne - Bea Stearns

James "Papa Bear" Cayne - Bear Stearns

Lloyd "Blank Check" Blandfein - Goldman Sachs

Lloyd "Blank Check" Blankfein - Goldman Sachs

Stan "Paycheck" O'Neil - Merryl Lynch, "Prince" Charles Prince - Citigroup

Stan "Paycheck" O'Neal - Merryl Lynch & "Prince Charles Prince - Citigroup

Bob "Happy Toes" Nardelli & Tom "Two-Step" Lasorda CEOs Chrysler

Bob "Happy Toes" Nardelli & Tom "Two-Step" Lasorda - Chrysler

"Big" Hank Paulson - CEO Goldman Sachs“Big” Hank Paulson – former CEO of Goldman Sachs and current Federal Econochrist who just closed the deal to save all their bacon, but not ours.

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(The following is a guest post from a former Kool Aid drinking friend who has since been turned by conservative talk radio. He asked me to file this for him here. In the spirit of Bill O’Reilly and everything fair and balanced, ladies and gentleman, my fearless, honest and right friend, Acerbico.)

I will admit that I used to believe in the hopeful message of Barack Obama. I used to think that there was a benefit for working together for common goals.  But, I have seen how things really work.  Like my man Jon Justice said – we can’t all be a bunch of John Lennons.  To attain my present state of enlightenment, I first had to shed the blinders of mainstream liberal media.  Instead I came to rely on the good old radio for fresh objective information. I am not talking about that Soviet run NPR, either! The truth that I have discovered on the fairwaves has made me, not only second guess my loyalties, it has made my sphincter tighten permanently. And in case you can’t tell, you soon will; it has made me really really angry. But more importantly, it has made me truly intellectual, not just “liberally intellectual”, what with all their stupid books.

The radio, it seems, is the only place left where you can find the truth. In fact, here in Tucson, Arizona they make it really easy; they call the one truthful radio station The TRUTH 104.1. All caps are a sure sign that it’s extra truthful and extra powerful. Just like how easy it is to see when someone loves just ordinary freedom or when someone loves real FREEDOM. Then, just to make me feel even more patriotic, they have a morning jock named Jon Justice! He’s always lobbing in his high-pitched artillery, blasting local and national socialists alike. Whew, it’s like starting off the day with the fresh smell of napalm in the morning. The TRUTH 104.1 Then, just in case there is any doubt remaining, they have a clever tag line – Fearless, Honest and Right. See, now that’s what’s called a double entrendre, which is French for really clever. It means that The TRUTH 104.1 is right as in correct but also right as in conservative-leaning in political ideology. Now that’s what I mean about true intellect.

Most Kool Aid drinking libs wouldn’t get that. Kool Aid drinkers are brainless apparatchiks who are unquestioningly loyal to some political leader, party or ideologue. See, it’s a reference to the Jonestown cult who all drank Kool Aid because they were so brainwashed by listening to this Jones guy, and not thinking for themselves. So when my man, Rush Limbaugh tells me what all those wacko Kool Aid drinkers are really up to and what I should think about it, I just shout out “Ditto Rush!” Oh, and for all you brainwashed liberals out there, an apparatchik is a Kool Aid drinker. See how that works? Double entendre! I wouldn’t expect you to understand. There are all sorts of things you couldn’t possibly comprehend.

First of all, you think that Obama is so smart because he utilized the Internet to build grassroots support especially among young voters. Hello! Open your eyes. This may seem like a wise strategy, if you are a socialist, liberal Kool Aid drinker. However in actuality it was a diversion to take the national focus away from the real communication power base – the radio. You all think he is so concerned about internet based support and networks? See, even though he has emphatically denied supporting the Fairness Doctrine, Obama does in fact (according to Rush – Ditto!) intend to reenact a 1949 law to limit the power of the radio waves. Yes, he is that dangerous. And none of you even realize it. You are all thinking Internet, when the real thinkers are all in radio.

Oh, and another thing you liberals are too vapid to realize is that right after he raises all of our taxes, Obama is going to take away our guns and our rights and ability to get more guns. It’s true, and I know it’s true because I heard it on the 104.1 the TRUTH which is Fearless, Honest and Right! About ten minutes after the the major networks announced Obama won the presidency, every gun shop was inundated with orders and they instantly sold out, even slingshots, and the FBI had 47 million requests for background checks for new gun owners, and 97.8% of those requests came from NRA affiliated, Republican registered, National Review subscribers. So, it’s pretty easy to see what’s going on here. Obama is going to take our guns, and his followers are all going to come after us. He will mandate abortions and make everyone marry someone else of the same sex. And the little free bibles in all motels will be replaced with Korans. So, you see, I need my guns to protect me from young pregnant Muslim teens on their way home from the abortion clubs and all the gay guys out there who will try to force me to marry one of them. It is all right there in plain sight… on the radio. You just have to know how to listen.

That is not all I have learned. You libs think your man Obama is so articulate. Well, he doesn’t know how to engage in conversation. All his polite listening, exchanging and discussing, makes him look weak. I prefer the conversational attactics of my man Neal Bortz. He’s a master of a really neat trick of using respectful terms immediately preceding an insult. This way he comes across as considerate but also dominant and RIGHT (in every sense of the word!). Some pinhead called the show recently and Neal said, “You, sir, are too ignorant to articulate your thoughts clearly.” Then he hung up on the liberal putz, before he could even respond. Clearly, Neal won that argument. No room for liberal Gotcha journalism on the radio.

Other things you should all be aware of: He’s not an American citizen. He was born in an Al Queda training camp, up in Northern Manitoba, and his half-brother is David Ayers. Don’t be fooled by his undeniable lack of experience, Obama is personally responsible for the nosedive the country has taken over the past 8 years. He will start a secret police force that is loyal only to him. It will be called the Fist Bump Force. Oh, and their little fist bumps won’t be so cute, let me tell you! Obama wants to paint the White House black and then move it, brick by precious brick, to Kenya. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are really secret relatives of Obama and the $700 billion went to their personal bank accounts where they were quickly converted into Cuban pesos. There are so many items on his secret agenda. I don’t have to to list it all here, or even to think about it very carefully. Thankfully I don’t have to. I have some RIGHT thinking friends who can do that for me. You won’t read about these things in the newspapers or on your precious new-age “Internet”. No, because they are controlled by a the liberal media. Which is just fine with me, because I don’t much care for reading anyway. Besides, it’s all out there for public consumption, provided by the voices of TRUTH on the radio! The true, American, all caps HEROES of the American Airwaves! USA! USA! USA! Ditto!

Submitted by one who never submits!

-Acerbico

morans

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